For the purposes of this post, I have subjected myself to music by the following people: Keanu Reeves, Jared Leto, Zooey Deschanel, Bill Paxton, Sylvester & Frank Stallone, Eddie Murphy, Jamie Foxx, Billy Bob Thornton, Kevin Bacon, Lindsay Lohan, Bruce Willis, Steven Seagal, Juliette Lewis, and Scarlett Johansson. Oh, the lengths I will go. Hollywood is the most insular place on the planet…so much so that despite the embarrassment of virtually every other movie star that has gone before them, nothing seems to stop the next star from thinking he or she will be the first to release a legit rock and roll record. But it will never, ever happen. Here’s why.
Brand Management
Every single movie star you see is the result of meticulous and relentless branding. You think you’re the first person to enjoy Morgan Freeman’s paternal warmth? Zooey Deschanel’s “quirky” sexiness? Owen Wilson nasal drawl and lovable smartassitude? Nope. Those personas were designed in a bungalow conference room and supported by countless tweaks and decisions. By all rights, every movie star should be branded with a TM tramp stamp. Conversely, no real rock and roll band was formed in a conference room. And those that were simply suck. Every single time.
Hunger
Go watch “Control” (2007), a film about the life and death of Joy Division. This is the environment in which great bands are formed. They are hungry, underemployed, desperate, and in their brief existence, Joy Division never recorded a song that was less than great. The Clash, The Rolling Stones, The Velvet Underground, Black Flag, hell, even the Beatles all began in deprivation: the whole band living in the same flat, playing music 18 hours a day, eating and sleeping whenever those human necessities were available. No great band has ever been formed from the 1%…and most bands get worse as they get richer.
You Can’t Trademark Credibility
Movie stars believe their stardom gives them a pass for any other artistic endeavor they may want to pursue. This delusion is as old as Hollywood itself: see Tony Curtis’s paintings and Jimmy Stewart’s “poetry” for examples. Others attempt to buy credibility by latching on to an already proven artist. Scarlett Johansson recorded an album of Tom Waits songs. (I’m not kidding. She really did.) Zooey Deschanel has teamed with credible musician M. Ward to form She & Him, only to have their Christmas album (!) included on the list of the Worst Albums of 2011 by popmatters.com. The fact that Deschanel’s schtick has been outed as that of the latest Manic Pixie Dream Girl does not help her cause.
What Can A Movie Star Do Then?
Nothing. It won’t work. Ever. Comfort is the enemy of rock and roll. If you are a movie star, thank God, Ron Hubbard, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster that you hit the lottery and leave music to the people who know how to make it.
liveoakblues
Live Oak Blues 